I'm currently sitting at the University of Denver after two days of programs and interviews for the Higher Education Master's program. There are about 40 of us here but the program is split into 3 tracks so its hard to tell who my competition is. DU (yes, they call it DU when it would make sense to be called UD) was not high on my list of places I wanted to attend. I didn't get in to Colorado State- Fort Collins for the second year in a row so when DU came calling, I was on board. I can't go here unless I get the assistantship that will pay for my full tuition and the only assistantship interview I had was in residence life which is so not what I saw myself doing when I went back to school. I guess its only a two year program and then more options will be available to me but right now, I just don't know what to do. They may not even offer me acceptance into the program after the interview I had this morning. I don't interview well.
The way I see it right now, DU is just a way to be in Colorado. Colorado has been calling my name for years but has been especially intriguing since Poppa died. I associate Poppa with Colorado so being here right now is kind of like a pilgrimage for me. I'm driving out to Buena Vista tomorrow to see the old chalet and the home he built. I'm excited for the drive by myself to reflect on his life and the direction mine is going.
I don't want to be here anymore. I am so fickle these days. Not being in school has been the best and worst thing for me at this point in my life. It was great because it made me realize how much I want to go back to school. It was bad because I don't feel like myself anymore. During my undergrad, I was busy 24/7 and that's the environment in which I thrived. I was organized, I had a system, I knew what to do and when to do it. Now that I've been home, I feel totally lost. I am no longer the "organized" that people expect me to be. I am complacent. I pretty much don't care that I'm here. Everyone is asking questions and socializing with each other and I really just want to go home. Currently I'm sitting away from the group typing this. I don't know when I became this person but I don't like it. I am very out of it and I'm not quite sure what will bring me back to normal "Mary" behavior.
I'm tired. I feel like all I ever do anymore is complain and I hate being that person. I'm lucky to be where I am right now with a full time job and benefits and living at home and being in a loving family. I'm just not happy and that is driving me crazy.
I want to open a cupcake shop. I've been musing for a while that if I don't get in to grad school, I'll just quit my job and attempt to open my own business. I think it would really make me happy, doing something that I love and that makes other people happy. Although the people at my current job are trying to find ways to make me stay and I told them I'd consider their offer, I don't think I can handle it. I just want to bake cupcakes, make people smile and volunteer for causes I believe in. Is that so wrong? Now is the time I should be doing this kind of thing, right? I can go back to school whenever. I can work full time in the medical field whenever. Right now when I'm young and single and need something truly rewarding and ambitious- opening a cupcake shop just makes sense to me at this point in my life.
Hopefully I find some clarity and direction on my drive through the mountains tomorrow or Sunday. I'm just looking for answers and who knows if I'll find them here.
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