#30: Lost

I've hit a depression this week. I drove home yesterday and honestly thought to myself, what happened to my happy self? I'm exhausted. I'm upset. And due to recent events, I feel like nothing is making me want to stay here right now.

Sure, I love my family but I can be anywhere and still have them.

For the past month, I've been going to the chiropractor like normal but hadn't been seeing the sexy chiropractor, James, whom I have developed a severe crush on. I thought nothing of it until literally a month passed and I finally asked the girls at the front desk what happened to him. Turns out he finished his internship and took an opportunity in California that he couldn't pass up. They say the doctor may hire him full time when he returns in four months but they're not sure and my treatment will be done by then. The only reason its good that he's gone is the fact that every time I went to the chiropractor for the past 3 months, I got super anxious because I was so in love with him and then I just got all tense and I'm sure it wasn't helping my treatment. So that was Monday when I got the first blow.

On Tuesday, I went to the gym for my personal training appointment with my trainer Eric. I love him too but in a platonic, just friends way because he's such an amazing trainer. I love the way I feel after working out and love the fact that he understands what my limits are and how to make me do stuff that I don't want to when I work out. Halfway through our session he asked if he'd told me about his new schedule yet. He's changing his training hours to mornings from 8-12:30. I've been working out at 5:30 on my way home at work. Because he's going back to school and wants to work in the morning and focus on school in the afternoon, I no longer get to see him either. I respect his decision but I'm still upset. Now I have to find a new trainer and move on with my life.

I don't want to.

Without the sexy chiropractor and my amazing trainer and the fact that I don't love work as much as I used to, what is keeping me here? I know this might offend some people but really, what do I do anymore? I volunteer which I enjoy but isn't giving me the joy and satisfaction it had been. I work, I work out, I go to the chiropractor and I go home. I think about going back to school all the time and I'm just kicking myself for not applying to more schools, for not fighting harder to do what I want. I'm so frustrated with having to wait another year. I do not regret anything in life but I do wonder what I was thinking when I decided to stay home an extra year. I copped out. I took the easy way out. I'm mad at myself for being so cocky about Colorado.

I'm just tired. I'm tired and lost and sad.