It has been 12 months since I walked across that stage in the McCown Field House at Winona State University. I said goodbye to the home where I lived for 4 years and moved back to my original home, the one where I lived for 18 years prior to leaving for college. I started working full time that Monday. While my life hasn't been nearly as exciting as it once was, it feels like I haven't stopped moving. At the end of my senior year in college, I was so looking forward to some routine in my life. At WSU, I never knew if my phone would ring at an odd hour with some emergency, when the fire alarm would go off, when I'd have to roll out of bed to tell the boys down the hall to shut the hell up, when I would have to deal with a staff issue or a resident issue or a friend issue. I never knew what was coming next in my life and that was EXHAUSTING. I was looking forward to waking up every day, working 9-5 then coming home to relax. Turns out I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I now miss the crazy energy that was Lourdes Hall. I miss deciding whether or not I would wake up for class that day (definitely can't do that with work). I miss being important and in charge and needed (I know, I'm kind of full of myself but at least I admit it). Transitioning home from college was WAY harder than I expected it to be and I think I'm still trying to figure out my place here.
First thing's first: I am very blessed to have a family that welcomed me back home with open arms. I've heard that most college graduates aren't as lucky as me and don't have this cushion to fall back on, this great support system. While I love my family, I do not so much love living at home. I don't hate it but I definitely miss the independence I grew so used to over the past 4 years of college. I miss my apartment at East Lake from the summer of 2009. Living at home is good. I will be living at home for the next year so I guess I'll just get used to it (there used to be the possibility that I'd move out but I came to my senses/joined a gym and decided to save my money for grad school instead of rent). At the end of the day, it is nice to fall asleep at home and know that I am safe, warm and loved.
I should also say that I'm very lucky to be employed. That was a great success for me right away after graduation. Some may say that I was handed the job but it wouldn't have been offered to me if I didn't deserve it. And I'm sure as hell earning my pay right now. I'm lucky to be valued as an employee at my company and I really have nothing to complain about job-wise.
And now, for a recount of the rejection I've faced over the past 12 months. Don't worry, its not as depressing as you think it'll be (I hope its not, at least).
The downfall: In September, I liked a boy. He fit in great with my friends. He agreed to accompany me to the Wolpers Wedding and he seemed to enjoy it. I was happy for a long time, having someone to talk to and send good night texts to. I think I was also making things out to be more than they were (I have a tendency to do that- I blame Disney princesses and my oftentimes overactive imagination). Still, I thought that we were at least friends. Then my birthday rolled around and for the second year in a row, the man that meant the most to me at that point in my life (besides family) didn't wish me a happy birthday (and if you know me, you know birthdays are the most important day of the year). And then he disappeared. For no reason. If that's not rejection, I'm not sure what is.
The silver lining: I guess the lesson here is that you live and learn (unfortunately, I feel like I learned this exact same lesson twice in the past few years). Its hard to find the silver lining in rejection like this but I'm surviving as a single independent woman, the way I have for the past 23 years. I'm getting sick of it but obviously I'm not meant to be with him.
The downfall: I was really excited about Colorado State. I LOVE Colorado. I dream of those mountains, the cornflowers, the fresh air in the high altitudes. I was excited for a change of scenery, a change of pace, and big life change in general. I feel like everything I've done thus far has been safe. Safe isn't necessarily bad but I'm in the prime of my life for traveling, trying new things and being adventurous. Colorado would have been perfect for me. That was quite the blow to my ego, I'll admit that. I guess CSU is still an option (and to clarify, I got in to the SCHOOL just not the specific PROGRAM) but how can I go back to something that already tossed me aside?
The silver lining: I'm home for another year and available for many things I really wanted to do but wasn't sure if I could due to the time restraints of going to school in the fall/late summer. Mainly: I get to VOLUNTEER. I think that is the best thing to come of me not going to school for another year. I just finished working with Breakthrough St. Paul/Youth Venture's trial run as a collaborative effort for a bunch of dedicated and inspired middle schoolers to create social change. Hopefully I'll get to work with them again next school year. I just signed on for a monthly volunteer opportunity called "Decorating Day" putting my RA skills to use by organizing a bulletin board-decorating night at the Benedictine Health Center. I think I also just signed up for another monthly project JUST BECAUSE I CAN (and I love to volunteer, of course). I'm going to take part in a cohort group this month of people meeting to discuss/volunteer with a specific cause- we're targeting homelessness in May and I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of it. I'm happy to be home so I can put to great use the vast amount of resources and volunteer opportunities available in the Twin Cities. I suggest you do the same, wherever you are.
The downfall: Then came the most recent upset, the maurices model contest. Sure, 550 women entered. Sure, it was basically a popularity contest (which didn't really dawn on me until I didn't make it to the next round). Still, I thought I had a chance. I got my hopes up, yet again, and was disappointed when I found out I didn't make it to the next round (550 girls were cut to 50 based on internet votes). I've never aspired to be a model but I thought it would be a unique opportunity that would allow me to grow as a person. Apparently I will have to grow from this rejection instead.
The silver lining: I'm still trying to figure this one out. I guess I just have to learn to stop getting my hopes up. Maybe I need to seek out more attainable goals. Modeling just isn't for me at this point in my life (though I won't rule it out for someday...).
My life is good. I'm happy, most days. I started working out weekly (except last week when I decided to wallow in my own misery instead). I lost 15 pounds between January and March by cutting portions, watching what I eat and trying not to eat past 9 p.m. I'm trying to create a healthier lifestyle for myself because I figure I have nothing else to do. Yes, I'd like to be a happy couple like Allison & Phil or Jaci & Ryan but that can wait. I'm no less of a person because I'm still single. I am by no means alone. I have some amazing friends from various points in my life and I know I'm lucky for that. Honestly, I'm just lucky to be alive. I'm not religious nor am I spiritual but I do believe in God and I understand that this life I'm leading is a gift and not something to take lightly. I know I'm going to make a difference in this world, the rejection is just something I'm going to have to get used to.
And now for the more fun part of my recap (if you've survived my sentimental ranting)...
Best Memories of the Last Year:
1. Harry Potter World tops the list. OBVIOUSLY.
2. Allison & Phil's wedding
3. My surprise birthday party
4. Volunteering
5. Trips to Winona
6. Being in the Holidazzle parade (chance of a lifetime)
7. Various celebrations with friends (Roaring 20s, grilled cheese, Star Wars, Fall Feast, Christmas brunch, mother/daughter tea)
8. Vegas with Mom
9. Working on my list- it was fun to write it and its been fun to work on it
10. Being back home with the girls
And because I love pictures so much, here is a collage of my top 10 memories:
In other news, this blog is one year old! I love Blogger for keeping stats of where people are reading my blog and how many page views I get (its great for my narcissism). Here is some interesting info about my blog. Thanks for everyone who reads it (or at least skims through my excessive picture posts).
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